the nightly surrender

sometimes I'm just too tired and sometimes I'm thinking about some shit but sometimes when i go to bed i have a moment in the silence of my immediate world to notice the sounds from outside and reflect on the fact that I'm alive and have memories and connections. I try to contemplate everything then quickly remember that it's all an illusion, possibly and therefore definitely, or something like that, and any opinion is just that so why bother?, and then i kind of give up and that's the nightly routine, when i remember. Sometimes i forget to give up. I don't know if now is one of those times.